Open-Mouthed

I propose that eating with an open mouth is the most vulgar, horrid, repulsive, and leeringly deterring act one can possibly perform. I was sat across from a pair of nerds in a cafe this morning, attempting to enjoy my brunch when the pimpled, sexless, warcrafter sat directly opposite me chewed his bread with all the volition of a starved child, chomping his chops up and down, poking his lips forward and offering his tongue against his bottom lip as if it needed protecting. I had to contort in my chair to avoid the very possibility of catching him doing it in my peripheries. Surely, one of the first things you are taught as a child is not to lean on the table, not to play with your food, and certainly not to eat with your mouth open, especially in the girlfriend years. This may be why I hate chewing gum so much; people feel they therefore have the right to chew with their mouth open and make that barely audible, yet awful sound of swishing and gurgling. If I came to power the first thing I would do is ban chewing gum. There, I said it.