Five months ago I was a swimmer seeking to represent Team GB in London. But falling short by just four tenths of a second at the trials in June washed away my dreams of Olympic glory.
Although athletes learn to cope with disappointment, failure to take home a medal from the Olympic trials in June proved a pivotal moment in my life and forced me to confront a reality very different to the one I envisaged for so long.
How gratifying it would have been to fulfil the promises I made to so many: my coaches, my family, and those who sponsored me during my final months of preparation.
But the clock never lies.
In an instant, less than half a second, my future as an Olympic swimmer was no more. I had made no plans beyond the summer Games. Where I could enjoy funding and the recognition of achieving Olympic success, now I’m struggling to make ends meet and I’m forced to turn toward an alternative occupation.
After breaking junior records at the age of fifteen I competed internationally, and the past five years were totally committed to racing in the pool at the 2012 Games. I shirked university in Britain to attend college in the United States and train alongside some of the best swimmers and coaches in the world. For four years I lived as a professional athlete in Arizona away from friends and family, studying my sport rather than my books.
But last year I returned home to finalize my preparation for the biggest event of my life.
The Aquatics Centre in Stratford hosted the trials over six days, with the final of my main event, the 50m Freestyle, held on the last day.
As I sat in the call-room waiting for the final I looked around at the opposition: faces I recognized from a career in the sport, swimmers I raced against as a teenager. I sat alone, utterly self-absorbed.
We waited while Rebecca Addlington was interviewed. The pressure was palpable. I was first to walk to the starting blocks. Each name was met with a wall of noise as we were announced to the crowd.
And then we were away. My fingers buckled as I hit the wall in a time of 22.91secs, faster than I had ever swum before, placing me fourth overall. But it wasn’t enough.
The experience was bittersweet: clocking a personal-best time but missing my dream by a fraction.
Since then I have tried to reconcile that sense of failure with my athletic career. Were it not for my disappointment, I suspect I would still be training and competing today. Instead, I’m confronted with serious questions about my future.
Without swimming, for so long an anchor in my life, I’m faced with new uncertainties like paying for rent, groceries, or petrol.
I’m passionate about sport, and although I’ve hung up my Speedos, at least for now, I’ve resolved to remain in swimming through coaching.
Similarly, I’m trying to break into sports reporting by working for local newspapers and channel my previously devoted interest, with a view perhaps to returning to the States for a post-graduate degree in journalism.
As ever, though, I’ll be up for the challenge.
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